Valentine’s Day: I Want A John Hughes Ending

sixteen-candles

Well, Valentine’s Day is here once again and that means it’s time for another marathon of my favorite John Hughes movies (and the other classic coming of age flicks that inhabit the same genre). I don’t know what it is about Coming of Age movies but they always leave me feeling better about my life. That and they are the only things that get me through this holiday with my sanity intact…

Let me put this to you bluntly and with no lubrication…

Valentine’s Day is lame…

Granted, the sentiment is sweet; however, it is always a constant annual reminder for me that I’ve NEVER ever EVER been in a formal relationship whenever the day comes strolling down the pike. As a matter of fact, without fail, every fleeting affair I’ve ever had in my life has fluttered away before I could even get so much as a box of candy (not that I’d want that anyway. I’m type 1 diabetic. That would take way too much insulin). To this day I’ve never been properly Valentined.

Goddamn it I want a boyfriend!

For the first time in my gay dating life I hold absolutely no shame in expressing that out loud anymore. Granted, I don’t want just any old boyfriend but I want a boyfriend all the same.

I want to fall: properly, truly, madly, and deeply in love with another man who feels exactly the same way about me as I do for him. I am getting so tired of seeing all of these couples springing forth, left and right, and I’m still buying solo tickets to the Saturday morning Matinee. I’m sick of pretending that I’m so happy, fulfilled, and complete being a singleton. Granted, I am–for the most part–but I do know for a fact that I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life either. Most important of all I am sick and tired of being cute, well dressed, and really awesome, whereas some bum with no job and half his face shot off has someone. In what UNIVERSE does shit like this happen?

Mine apparently…cindy

It just amazes me how all of this love blossoms and none of it EVER comes anywhere near my vicinity (hell, if love were Earth I would be the Dog Star)…

Case In Point…

A few months ago I was on my own self imposed hiatus from this thing called Social Media. I was gone literally two and a half months. Color me surprised when I logged back into my account and was INUNDATED with messages on my timeline, from other perpetual singletons, that had gotten boo’ed up to the love of their lives!

Hold up…

::Record scratch::
::Freeze Frame::

How in the hell did I wind up here, seeing this?!

Literally, the day I went on hiatus, these same people were CONVINCED that they would never EVER meet anyone. Some of them had sworn off relationships altogether. Now, after what seems like 72 hours, you are laid up under, moved in with, the love of your life who, in their own saccharine platitudes, “Brings out the best in you?!”

What?!

Really?!

Like seriously every single friend on my timeline, who probably never LEFT social media, was laid up under somebody. I saw so many damn “In A Relationship” updates that I thought that Twitter and Facebook had merged to have an orgy that I missed. How in the Hell did that even happen? One minute I am apart of a large group and suddenly I am the outsider looking in?!

102516-kofi-siriboe-lead
Kofi Soriboe: My Jake Ryan!

Chile, let me tell you…

I ended a relationship almost seven years ago (with a man that I thought was the love of my life). I was in it for two years and it ended abruptly and badly. It took me a little time to get over and I’m just now really finding the courage to allow someone else into my life (being in love is allowing for the possibility of being hurt, I get it)…

Well, since that relationship all I’ve had are fleeting affairs (with the completely WRONG guys, that felt right at the time. One time, unbeknownst to me I was boyfriends with a damn TRUMP supporter. Chile, that’s another post that I will divulge later on) or one night stands (when I’ve felt particularly horny and needed some body heat) where I kept wondering could this cat possibly be THE ONE (never get that intoxicated by good sex folks. The answer is always no)?

To that end I’ve done EVERYTHING that I could to make myself more open and available to the possibility of meeting Mr. Right For Me. Honey, when I tell you that I’ve done everything I’ve done it ALL. The only thing I haven’t tried is bestiality (and we are never going there, not even if it was me and Fido alone after the nuclear holocaust)…

Here is a rundown…

1.) I’ve made accounts and profiles on: Adam4Adam, Jack’d, and Grindr. Okay, those are so not the best choices when it comes to finding a relationship. Okay, forget I said that (I mean they were there when I just needed some male attention but naw)…

2.) I’ve made profiles on: Okcupid (where single gays go to: crash, burn, and die), Match.com (Hated it!), Compatible Partners (The gay version of the homophobic Eharmony. This idea died on the vine with a quickness), and even J-Date/Christian Mingle (and I am not anywhere close to being religious)…

3.) I tried a professional matchmaker. Yawp, I paid someone $45.00 a month to introduce me to losers that I could have met, for free, on the former sites that I just mentioned. Oh, and the matchmaking “guru” advised me to, “Not show too much interest to maintain mystery.” They literally advised me to play the texting game. Yeah, this from a site that is supposed to be a professional matchmaking gig. Chile, stay far away from Gayquation. They are trash.

4.) I tried Meetup.com hoping to find another gay interested in the same shit that I am into. However, apparently, in this city, the gays only meet up to go to “Bunnies on The Bayou” or some racist all white, gay male, brunch where they say all gays are invited but you walk your black ass in and become a mandatory pariah. I did get into some great nudist groups though. I learned that I enjoy very much letting it all hang out with a bunch of other dudes. :0)

I have gone to gay bars.

I have gone to straight bars. anything_large

I have tried volunteering.

I have run the fucking gamut looking for someone that could possibly be compatible with me. It is like everyone else makes it look so damn easy to fall in love and wind up with someone attached to them forever. When I like someone? I am sitting with baited breathe HOPING I’ll get a text back someday.

Ideally, my perfect type of guy would be a big tall strapping cross between Dwayne Johnson and Will Smith (particularly from Bad Boys 2, I Am Legend, and Suicide Squad. Oh hell Will in general). I’d want a big mandinka warrior with big broad shoulders, big hands, a third leg, and cakes that you can’t get from Betty Crocker. Oh and I’d like him to have a great smile too and make me laugh. And if he’s short please be sexy, cute, and chocolate like Kevin Hart (minus the shrill voice and obnoxious personality).

Granted, it isn’t mandatory but shit It would be nice…

Anyway, back to the point…

I am to the point where I just absolutely feel like giving up most of the time.  And honestly I think I already have.

Six months ago, after a one night stand (that really led to nothing), I made a vow to be *gulp* celibate. Okay, in the last six months I broke my vow ONCE but I’ve been very faithful to it for the most part (the last time was lame sex, so I figure it was karmatic retribution for breaking my vow of chastity). I started reading this book by Meagan Goode (that chick who played in “Eve’s Bayou” as the daughter who was in love with her father. No it was not based on the life of Donald and Ivanka Trump) and her fine husband entitled, “The Wait.” Granted, while I am not religious (I am an Atheist, devoutly so) the book was good just so long as you extrapolate the god crap. Whatever the case maybe I figured swearing off sex until I’m properly in love might be a good way to go…

Then I keep thinking, “Oh shit, what if it never happens? What If I’m destined to just be that gay uncle who lives alone, with two cats, and occasionally goes on gay cruises…alone?”

How the mind wobbles…

Well, one thing I am sure as hell not doing anymore is taking ANY advice from single gays AND gays in long term relationships. Neither party knows jack shit. All they know what to do is tell you cliche’ and perfunctory shit that sounds good to them (as opposed, y’know, hooking you up with their cute friend who looks like a possible baby daddy). Myself, I don’t give successful relationship advice because I’ve yet to BE in a long term relationship that succeeds. It’s funny how people who know absolutely NOTHING want to be the greatest teachers…

I once had a friend (that I haven’t spoken to in years, thankfully) who has been “successfully” gay married for the past twenty some odd years. He LOVED to extol the oh so cliche’ refrain…

“Oh, it will happen when you least expect it!”

Or…

“It will come when you stop looking!”

The shit isn’t working.

Why?

Because I am ALIVE! I am a living flesh and blood human being who has needs, wants, desires, and needs, wants, and desires someone to SATISFY them, you feel me? (If you ain’t feelin me then chile just play “Don’t Leave Me This Way” by Ms. Thelma Houston. That sums me up!) I am ALWAYS going to be open to the possibility of meeting someone and at least WONDERING whether or not we have chemistry and if it could turn into something not.

It’s like no one ever frowns on straight people for these pursuits, but when it comes to gay men it’s always, “Well work on yourself first and then the right one will come!”

What in the same Hell does that even mean? Look, I have been my own best friend and project for the past 20something years. I’ve come to the very real conclusion that me, right now, at this point in time, is the best me that I am going to be. I’m an adult, I am healthy, I a have all of my cognitive faculties, I am handsome (in a boyishly charming and unassuming sorta way), I am employed (yeah my job isn’t my dream job but it pays the bills), I have my own space, I love animals, and I’m pretty much an all around swell guy. Oh and if we must go there I am a freak in the sheets too. Hey I’ve had a few buds over the years who would agree.

No, I don’t know why I don’t have a boyfriend at this moment in time. Again, I am a wonderful person. So, I’ve given up trying to figure it out. Moreover, I am not going to EVER be what is supposedly IDEAL. I am a HUMAN BEING. I am fundamentally flawed because of that. Why should I work on changing things that will not be detrimental to others, myself included? It makes no sense to try and become a paragon of virtue and nobility and you’re going to still have your same quirks and idiosyncrasies.

Yeah, I am an introvert. Being raised as an only child I do value my quiet time. Sometimes, there are moments when I won’t want to be around you. And there are also times when I might now want to be cuddled up under you.
Am I independent? Yes.
Will that stop me from being a good boyfriend? No!

I use to beat myself up for any myriad of things that I felt impeded on the success of my non existent romantic life. However, I am tired of that. I am so SICK and TIRED of THAT. Again, I am never EVER going to be this indefectible and beyond compare presence sans spot and blemish! I am wonderfully flawed and my perfections are glorious to behold. There is never a PERFECT time or STATE OF BEING to be in when you get into a relationship. When it happens it just happens and why in the hell does everyone think you need a Venn Diagram to achieve something that should be so absolutely simple?

I am wonderful and lovable JUST. THE. WAY. I. AM. NOW!

Seriously though…claire

I’d like a John Hughes ending in my life long search for true love and I am not embarrassed to admit that. I wanna ride off into the sunset like Donald Miller and Cindy Mancini in “Can’t Buy Me Love.” I want Jake Ryan to pick me up in his red trans am and feed me birthday cake (Picture Kofi Soriboe as Jake Ryan, red dodge Challenge, and not the kinda cakes you get from the bakery. OOP!). I just want sweet romantic overtures specifically dedicated to me. I want to be the girl at the end of a John Huges iconic kiss scene damnit!

No, I am not clingy, co-dependent, or any other form of pathological. I’m just a romantic who wants someone who is happy to deal with that.

Anyway, I am done hating Valentine’s Day. The sentiment is lovely and I really want that for myself.

Oh, and fuck you to the person who suggested that I go to HOOTERS because they give free hot wings to singles. Omigod, FUCK. YOU! Not only are you suggesting that I stay single but also get fat?!

Prince Charmingly Petty

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